You’ve heard the pseudoscience about cats and dogs by so-called scientists who do so-called experiments. These “scientists” say that cats have like 3 neurons and dogs have 5 billion neurons. These charlatans are stupid because they’re owned by the dogs, who have a secret dog society that controls all the information about cats. Now it’s time to set the record straight.
Cats are vastly smarter than dogs. I know because I have two cats and one dog, which should be enough evidence for you. But here are a few other “scientifically” valid reasons:
- Cats eat food until they’re full, and then they take a long-ass nap until it’s time to eat again. Dogs eat food until there’s no food, and then they eat non-food like furniture and shoes. Dogs have eaten car upholsteries. Who does that?
- Cats are Republicans but they hate Trump, because he is a person. Dogs are Democrats but would gladly eat biscuits handed to them by someone who was killing endangered species and cutting taxes at the same time.
- Cats can jump to seemingly impossible heights, always with the goal of getting near fragile objects that make people nervous. Then they laugh and laugh in their own inaudible cat language. Dogs need help making the two-foot climb to the couch.
- Cats would rather die in a vat of their own vomit than lick your face. Dogs think your disgusting face is made of Lucky Charms.
- Cats make it their life’s work to ignore their own names. You could put them in that dentist scene from Marathon Man, threaten to remove all of their teeth with no anesthetic until they responded to their name, and they’d tell you to shut your stupid mouth (at least in their heads, as they have no inclination to talk to you). Dogs hear their names and fall off the couch to serve you, like the subservient imbeciles that they are.
- Cats will play with toys until they’re bored, at which time they will ignore the boring toy. Dogs will play with toys until they faint from exhaustion, at which time they will continue to dream about playing with the toy.
- Cats don’t jump in mud and then get their muddy paws all over your clothes. Guess who does do that? If you guessed that dogs do, you guessed correctly.
- Cats vomit up fur balls, leaves, and grass to help their digestive systems. Dog vomit your remote control.
- You never see a cat jumping to impossible heights to catch a Frisbee. Why? Exactly.
- Cats don’t eat dog poop, but dogs eat cat poop.
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