Fake science about dogs finally exposed. Sad!

You’ve heard the pseudoscience about cats and dogs by so-called scientists who do so-called experiments.  These “scientists” say that cats have like 3 neurons and dogs have 5 billion neurons.  These charlatans are stupid because they’re owned by the dogs, who have a secret dog society that controls all the information about cats.  Now it’s time to set the record straight.angry cat

Cats are vastly smarter than dogs.  I know because I have two cats and one dog, which should be enough evidence for you.  But here are a few other “scientifically” valid reasons:

  1. Cats eat food until they’re full, and then they take a long-ass nap until it’s time to eat again.  Dogs eat food until there’s no food, and then they eat non-food like furniture and shoes.  Dogs have eaten car upholsteries.  Who does that?
  2. Cats are Republicans but they hate Trump, because he is a person.  Dogs are Democrats but would gladly eat biscuits handed to them by someone who was killing endangered species and cutting taxes at the same time.
  3. Cats can jump to seemingly impossible heights, always with the goal of getting near fragile objects that make people nervous.  Then they laugh and laugh in their own inaudible cat language.  Dogs need help making the two-foot climb to the couch.
  4. Cats would rather die in a vat of their own vomit than lick your face.  Dogs think your disgusting face is made of Lucky Charms.dumb dog
  5. Cats make it their life’s work to ignore their own names.  You could put them in that dentist scene from Marathon Man, threaten to remove all of their teeth with no anesthetic until they responded to their name, and they’d tell you to shut your stupid mouth (at least in their heads, as they have no inclination to talk to you).  Dogs hear their names and fall off the couch to serve you, like the subservient imbeciles that they are.
  6. Cats will play with toys until they’re bored, at which time they will ignore the boring toy.  Dogs will play with toys until they faint from exhaustion, at which time they will continue to dream about playing with the toy.
  7. Cats don’t jump in mud and then get their muddy paws all over your clothes.  Guess who does do that?  If you guessed that dogs do, you guessed correctly.
  8. Cats vomit up fur balls, leaves, and grass to help their digestive systems.  Dog vomit your remote control.
  9. You never see a cat jumping to impossible heights to catch a Frisbee.  Why?  Exactly.
  10. Cats don’t eat dog poop, but dogs eat cat poop.

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Thanks, S-hole

I’m so happy that the president has normalized the use of the word “shithole,” because this was a pressing need. I’m even happier that the press has been so willing to share the term with the entire country so shamelessly and frequently. It has enriched all of our lives, and especially the lives of our children.

s-hole

Let me give you an example: My ten-year-old son is an excellent speller. In fact, he recently won his class spelling bee and has moved on to the school-wide competition. He knows many words–excruciating, demeaning, racist, and xenophobic, for example–but until recently he had no idea what a shithole was. Now, he’ll be fully prepared to not only spell the word, but also define it as a foreign country where black or Muslim people live. Lessons like this are invaluable.

And there is so much more to learn, like non-Latin terms for genitalia, how to demonstrate the behavior of disabled peopleclever nicknames for all of your friends, the many ways to interpret facts,  stereotyping 101, why white nationalists are people, too, and finally, what you can learn from adult film stars.

And let’s give the press the kudos they deserve, what with the raging debate over whether the president actually said “shithole” or “shithouse,” or the investigation into  how much he really weighs.  Kids, pay attention; you could be a muckraker one day too.

trump

The next word starts with the letter F.

At some point, this news shitstorm will end, but it’s only a matter of time before we can all bear witness to our fearless leader’s next educational pejorative.  Vegas has the f-bomb up next at 2:1 odds, so I hope I’m not jumping the gun by hoping that you have a  great fucking day!

 

 

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I Am a Stable Genius: The Year in Review by Donald J. Trump

I’ve been King of America for a year now (Time flies!), and the love and the winning has been fabulous, hasn’t it?

InaugCrowd

After I beat Crooked Hillary and the voter fraud, I got to put my hand on some book and repeat some words. While I was saying whatever, I looked over at those millions who were brave enough to show up in a blinding snowstorm. Then I made the sun come out and stared at it for, like, FOREVER. #fakescientists #sungod

Nobody has had a First Year like me, except for maybe Jesus, mostly because he wrote the Bible. But I wrote Tax Reform, so all of you can get reformed taxes.

Trump_Jesus

It’s going to be beautiful. Ronald Reagan told me that my Tax Reform was a total winner. Better than his Tax Reform, even. I even got to screw people in states that didn’t vote for me, which isn’t what Jesus would do, but he got crucified. I don’t like people who got crucified. Am I right?

I kicked out millions of illegal criminals from our country so that Americans can get those high-paying jobs at the Seven-Eleven.

7-11 SHI

Are you from storm-ravaged Haiti? YOU’RE DEPORTED! Poverty-stricken El Salvador? DEPORTED! War-torn Sudan? DEPORTED! And two more words for you: MUSLIM BAN! #muslimban. Now we don’t have to worry about some foreigners taking jobs from our home-grown terrorists.

And we did better than ANYONE with natural disasters. Harvey? All better. Irma? No problem. Maria? Whatever. Puerto Rico? Who cares? They’re Mexicans.

PR no power

Floods? Gone. Wildfires? History. Mudslides? Future history. Bomb cyclones? I have two words: Homeland Security. Where did we get the money to pay for all of these cleanups? Easy! Fire all the wasteful #fakescientists who talk about that Climate Change baloney.

Next we’re going to build a wall. Turns out the Mexicans won’t pay for it, but we’re going to save SO MANY JOBS that it won’t matter. After our wall, China will realize their wall isn’t so Great after all, Maybe it’s a Good wall, but ours will be a Great Wall, maybe the Best Wall. #bestwall

Now it’s not all good. There’s still Crooked Hillary (Do you know I beat her by a historical margin in the Electoral College?). And CNN and all the other Fake News #fakenews. And Bill Mueller the Democrat. And Sloppy Steve Bannon. And Losers Jeff Flake and Bob Corker, who came to me begging for money. And the FAILING New York Times and the FAILING Amazon.com Post. Sad! And that book full of lies. I’m going to change the libel laws so I can sue that guy for making me look bad. #suepeople

It’s OK that some losers don’t like me. But they should because I help my friends. Look what I did for my friend Joe Arpaio. They tried to put him in jail for roughing up people who look like Mexicans. What do you think Mexicans look like? You work with me, and I’ll take care of you. Just ask Michael Flynn. Or David Clarke. Or my friend Ben Carson. He’s the best HUD secretary ever, because he’s a brain doctor.

That’s it for now. I’m off to the Trump International Hotel, where the foreigners all like to stay. Conflict of interest? #fakenews Have a great 2018, and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! #maga #trump2020 #roymooreforsenate #grabembythedemocracy

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Offended by sideline protests? Stop it.

As I write this, I’m watching a film in which Daniel Day Lewis portrays Abraham Lincoln during his effort to pass the Thirteenth Amendment.  It’s only a movie, but the events it recreates are a matter of record.  Millions of people believed that God created black people to be inferior and to serve white people.  This is a matter of historical fact.Kaepernick kneeling

In case you think the movie depicts a bygone era, consider the fact that Roy Moore was just chosen by Alabama’s Republican voters to represent them in the upcoming senatorial election.   This is the same Roy Moore who, as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, stated that homosexuality is  “a violation of the laws of nature and of nature’s God upon which this nation and our laws are predicated,”  believes that  parts of this country are under Sharia law, and thinks that  9/11 was God’s punishment for our immoral behavior.  To Moore, God’s law–no matter how discriminatory, racist, and even unconstitutional–is a matter of fact.  It’s noteworthy that  he would replace Jeff Sessions (Named after Jefferson Davis, the president of the confederacy), the current Attorney General of the United States (!), who has his own racist legacy.

Jeff-Sessions

Knowing that there are millions of Americans–as there were 150 years ago–who justify discrimination and hatred using God’s law or whatever pathetic rationale they can conjure up,  how can anyone present a cogent argument that  America’s minorities, particularly African-Americans, aren’t opposed (if not oppressed) by huge swaths of our population?  Multiple independent studies demonstrate that African-Americans continue to be unfairly targeted by police.  The African-American unemployment rate is about twice that of white people.  Black men make 22% less than white men in the same jobs.  Black people make up over 13% of the population, and 2% of corporate leadership.  In short, black people aren’t paranoid; someone is really out to get them.  If you look at these stats and come up with any other conclusion, you must be a flaming racist.

Recognizing the systemic racism that continues to exist in America–and blessed with the platform to call attention to it–Colin Kaepernick took a knee. Then Trump demeaned the presidency by calling him and his ilk a bunch of SOBs who should be fired, and white America got all pissed off that black football players aren’t respecting our veterans (What?).  BTW, that’s not what they’ll tell you, so let’s pretend Colin Kaepernick wasn’t a black guy and he wasn’t protesting police brutality against minorities;  would anybody really give nearly as much of a shit?

We live in a country where racism lives on, white nationalism is rearing it’s ugly head, and most of us are sitting and watching.  Instead, Colin Kaepernick has probably sacrificed his career performing an act of nonviolent civil disobedience that forced us to shine a light on an ugly, undeniable truth.  If you think that his silent protest wrecked your football game, I’m sorry, but get over it.  Would you turn it off if some defensive lineman put a confederate flag in his waistband during the anthem?  I didn’t think so.  Kaepernick is not shaming our veterans, but he is shaming us.  Good for him, and yes, shame on us.

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We are repulsed by it all. What do we do?

trainwreck

The 2016 presidential election

According to a New York Times/CBS poll, 80% of Americans are repulsed by the current election cycle.  Me too.  I’m repulsed by Trump, I’m repulsed that people hate Hillary so irrationally, and frankly, I’m repulsed that the Democrats made her the standard-bearer knowing that she’s the most divisive candidate they could have possibly nominated.   And finally, I’m repulsed by the fact that these are the only two viable choices.

You can move your lips all you want about Jill Stein and Gary Johnson, but they’re viable like Donald Duck is sexy.  We have a two-party system in this country, and unless we make some major changes to the way Congressional candidates are elected, that will not change.  Ever.

Why?

Congress is elected using the first-past-the-post system, where every voting district elects one person and everyone else goes home.  If 40% like candidate 1, 35% like the second one, and the rest like #3, it doesn’t matter.  The voices of voters for 2 and 3 don’t matter; candidate one walks away with the gold.  This method of voting causes political entities to coalesce PRIOR to elections so that they stand the best chance of winning.  It also quells the voice of voters who really agreed with candidate 2 or 3.  That sucks.

Lots of countries use another method: proportional representation.  What’s so good about proportional representation?  If it were employed statewide in every state,  House seats would be allocated on the basis of the total statewide vote.  In the example above, 40% of Congressional seats would be from candidate 1’s party, 35% from candidate 2’s, and the rest from candidate 3’s.

Why is this better?  Here are a few reasons:

  • One party – let’s call them Republicans for the purpose of this exercise – couldn’t gerrymander voting districts that over-represent one party and under-represent others.
  • Smaller parties with specific interests would have a voice in Washington.  This means that everyone’s interest would be well-represented.  Women who favor women’s rights AND gun rights wouldn’t necessarily have to choose one party over the other.  People who were fiscally conservative and socially moderate wouldn’t have to listen to wingnuts like Rick Santorum or Mike Huckabee.
  • At the same time, fringe parties could have their fringe candidates without imposing their will upon 1/2 the population.
  • Parties would have to coalesce AFTER elections,  enlisting the support of other parties to create majority rule.  This vastly reduces the possibility of dogmatic, unilateral decision-making in government.
  • And with multiple parties, it would be more difficult (but not impossible) to mislead American voters without having other parties call them out for their lies and deceptions.

All good, right?  The bad news is that this form of representation would make government less stable if, say, a small party decided to back out of a coalition and support the other side.  This could mean that smaller parties could have more power, but they couldn’t consolidate power so easily, as they’ve done today.

Does this mean that we’ll start loving politics and politicians?  No.  Does it mean that politicians will be more likely to represent our interests above “the party?”  I think so.  The only problem is that all the states would have to volunteer to change the way that Congress is elected, or we’d need to pass an amendment to the Constitution.  And nobody in power wants to give it up, so you can imagine how hard it would be to get that through Congress, let alone the states.

But we have to do something, and I think this is the something we have to do.  The place to start is by bugging your politicians.  Email your Congressional representative, your senator and the president.  Tell your friends.  It’s a lot better than sitting here and watching the slow-motion train wreck.

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Hillary Clinton is not evil. We are stupid.

hillary-devil

Not a real picture

Let’s face it:  The fact that Hillary Clinton is not polling the living crap out of Donald
Trump is horrible.  The fact that he’s even the Republican nominee is so insulting and embarrassing that, well, it’s beyond description.  And there is one source of blame: us.  We are a stupid, stupid population of idiotic morons.

 

Why do people think Hillary is evil? There is a huge body of evidence, not to mention a legion of people who say that she is possibly the most qualified candidate ever.  Don’t believe me?  Check out her decades of distinguished public service (Please disregard the bullshit propaganda to the contrary) and long list of supporters who actually know something about running the country.

But no! She’s evil!  After all, Hillary has apparently conspired to share classified emails (why, exactly?), conspired to cover up the death of Ambassador Stevens, conspired to cover up her husband’s infidelity, conspired to kill her detractors, and conspired to do lots of other terrible things – all ending in “-gate.”

Folks, it’s all crap.  Yeah, she screwed up with the email server – but tell me again what the possible malicious intent could have been?  The rest is baseless propaganda served up by a cynical Republican party that has been perpetrating bullshit conspiracy theories to a stupid American public for decades.  How big a hole must we dig before we realize we can’t get out?

These very same people who have been investigating Hillary fruitlessly for 20 years are responsible for the moron who is tragically leading their party – and maybe even the whole country – off of a cliff.  He is too stupid to be evil, but the result of his presidency will demonstrate what evil looks like.

If you’re not voting for Hillary because you vehemently oppose any form of taxation, fine. If you have religious objections to the pro-choice movement, I disagree but I understand if you don’t want to vote for her.  I totally get it if you want to sit this one out.

But would you feel proud pulling the lever for the same guy who has been officially endorsed by the KKK?  Whose history of disrespect for women is almost as legendary as his total ignorance about foreign policy or military strategy? Who thinks that deporting 11 million illegal immigrants is even possible, or who lies constantly?  If you vote for this guy, it’s hard to envision how you could be that gullible, that willing to ignore his enormous character flaws, that willing to believe in countless numbers of baseless conspiracy theories, that oblivious to legions of experts who warn us about him, and not be stupid.

Seriously.

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More Innovation From “Raise Some Cash” Ash

Washington, D.C. – ash-carter-1Riding the wave of success started with the Pentagon’s bonus payback program, Secretary of Defense Ash Carter today announced several new initiatives to raise revenues.  These include:

The Bullet Protection Program.  Carter said that the Pentagon wanted to reduce the amount of wasted ordinance.”Starting  soon, all members of the military must pay for the bullets they use,” Carter announced, indicating that all weaponry will be equipped with meters and credit card readers.  “Want enough bullets? Prepay. That’ll make a soldier think twice before shooting down the next civilian drone.” Plans to charge for use of ground-to-air and air-to-air weaponry are still pending.

Front Line Bungalows.  “Sick of foxholes and bunkers?” Carter announced, “We’ve partnered with the Trump Corporation to  offer our front-line soldiers state-of-the-art bungalows for a small nightly fee.  Made of gold-lamé  camouflage lined with Kevlar, these will protect our soldiers while also providing the latest memory-foam sleeping bags and Egyptian cotton, 720 thread-count sleep fatigues.”

Army World.  Noting the vast number of Americans who already carry semiautomatic weapons and walk around in militiafatigues, Carter said that the Pentagon will capitalize on this popular trend and let them do it for real – for a fee.  According to the Secretary, “We’ll develop theme park-like experiences in today’s combat zones, enabling civilians to live out their fantasies while simultaneously killing the bad guys.” Between reduced personnel requirements and new income, Carter expects to see a budget windfall of at least $20 billion in the first year.  “We’re ready to deploy the first wave of campers near Mosul, with additional excursions in the works for Aleppo, South Sudan, and Afghanistan.”

Carter indicated that more new programs will be coming soon, with the objective of making the DoD a profit center by 2020.

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