Why I’m voting for Donald Trump in 2020

Donald Trump is a better president than Joe Biden could ever be. You know that Biden will just continue Obama’s socialist policies and make us all leftists. We can’t afford four more years of what Obama did to us. That’s why we have to bring Trump back!

Just look at the numbers: Trump has grown the stock market better than any other president, he’s added more jobs, and the national debt has never been in better shape. Check it out:

OK, so Obama was a little better there. But Trump created more jobs, right?

Obama created more jobs in his last three years than Trump in his first three

Maybe Obama has Trump beat on the stock market and jobs. But Trump said he’d crush the national debt with his tax plan. How’s that going?

From the February 2020 Forbes article, “Trump’s Deficits Are Racing Past Obama’s”

Oh shit.

But let’s not forget that Trump signed a huge bailout because of COVID. Oh wait; that chart is before the bailout. Damn.

On the other hand, his leadership has helped us open up the economy and flatten the curve, right?

Source: Johns Hopkins, June 30, 2020

OK, so ¼ of all global COVID cases come from the U.S. At least we’re still the envy of the world. Well, maybe not Europe, but who needs them anyway? Hmmm, now that I consider it, maybe we need them. But Trump is all in on fixing this pandemic. Uh, hold on: He cut funding for the WHO? Jesus.

Remember that our states are still going strong, right? Wrong. Is Trump is setting a good example for the country? Nope. Now that I’m looking at it more closely, WTF is he thinking? I’m starting to waver. I mean, even Pence put on a mask!

OK, but what about freedom? After all, Obama was going to invade Texas! Trump’s got to be better than that. I mean, Trump would never turn his military on American citizens, would he? At least the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs stands behind him. And his Secretary of Defense is on-board, too. Holy crap: No, no, and no! And this guy definitely doesn’t like him. Uh, Trump’s looking a like a disaster now that I actually separate his self-promoting rhetoric from the facts.

And then there’s his longstanding record of bigoted, racist behavior, like this, and this, and this. And believe me, I could find about 20 more examples without trying hard. I guess he believes in freedom–for white people. At least his white nationalist fans think so.

So no, I’m not voting for the steaming turd-pile that is Donald Trump. The facts are that Trump’s economic miracle was at best a continuation of what Obama did, his response to COVID risks economic ruin for all of us, and his record on civil rights and freedom is so appalling that David Duke loves him. If I voted for Trump, that’s the bed I’d be getting into. David Duke’s bed. The former Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. Don’t sleep with David Duke. Vote for Biden, or frankly anyone with a pulse who has even the remotest interest in public service and not self-promotion.

If you want to be notified when I feel the need to vent, click on the “follow” button on the top-right of this post. If you want to see my occasional pithy comments on Twitter, follow @MindTheGape.

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I am the deep state

You are not paranoid. I am the deep state, and I am out to get you. I’ll do this by forcing you to asphyxiate on your mask, poisoning you and your kids with vaccines, emasculating you by taking your guns, and brainwashing your children into thinking it’s all OK. I’m sharing this because Julian Assange is in jail, so I thought I’d write a blog post instead.

Some people call me “the government,” or “society,” or “the bureaucracy.” It doesn’t matter, because you are all sheep and I am going to herd you into my little sheep pen, or whatever they call that thing that sheep go into. I am doing it to funnel money into Bill Gates because he is my close friend who needs money. And also George Soros, my other close friend who needs money too. I myself am not rich beyond my wildest dreams, so of course I do not need money. Actually, I do it mostly for the evil laughter.

Here’s an example of how deep our state is–and man, it’s really deep. We invented the coronavirus so that Bill Gates, one of the richest men in the world (and my friend), can make money by inventing a vaccine to prevent it. On the surface, this doesn’t seem like it makes sense, since he has put almost all of his fortune into a foundation to improve public health, but that’s how deep our state is. We’re so deep that we defy logic. Hahahahahahaha.

This guy is ready to fight the deep state.

We’re so deep that we have rid the world of polio, smallpox, measles, and many other diseases just to give your kids autism. Why? So our friends at pharmaceutical companies can make money, of course. They make money when your kids get autism. That makes sense, I think. BTW, that’s why you should definitely not get a COVID vaccine if one comes out. It might give your kids autism when they’re alive and you’ve died from COVID-19.

Hint: If you want to defy us, please take off your mask, find the nearest person who is coughing a lung out, and french-kiss them like you mean it. You don’t want to wear a mask, anyway. Indisputable evidence created by random YouTubers shows that your pulse oxygenation levels go so far down when you wear a mask that you can faint at any moment. This explains why doctors often fall on their patients during surgery.

Here’s my advice to you: Do not listen to authority under any circumstances. Make sure that you only trust people like me who know what they’re talking about, but particularly the ones who have profit motives, like getting more advertisers for their websites or having you subscribe. You know they’re legitimate if they want your money. Although we in the deep state are not legitimate when we want your money. This may sound like circular logic, but the deep state wants to bend circles without you knowing it, so just trust me on this.

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Donald Trump’s alternative Tulsa speech

Hi Racists and Idiots,

Welcome to this petri dish in Tulsa. While I stand far away from you, you are all jammed against one another, maskless, in an act of defiance against your own good. Congratulations on self-selecting.

I have brought you–some of the most stupid and vile people in human history–to this venue because even I can no longer take how gullible you are. I’ve spent the last dozen years (at least) trying to outdo myself with hyperbole, lies, self-promotion, blatant misogyny, corruption, ad hominem attacks, and other mean-spirited behavior, just to see how much of your morality you’d leave at the door to follow a demagogue. And here you are. I’ve proven that I could grab you by your genitals or shoot you in the middle of Manhattan, yet you still follow me. In short, you have achieved a dubious goal: you are the worst, stupidest people ever.

I don’t say this lightly. Many demagogues before me have preyed on the worst inclinations of their followers: ethnic cleansers, authoritarian politicians, evil despots, and the like. But unlike their disciples, you follow me even though the greatest damage I do is to you. I empower our enemies and alienate our friends–and you cheer. I prop up corporations at your expense, and you’re ecstatic. I stop protections that keep your workplace safe, your food free of toxins, and your planet from overheating, and you double-down for more. I barely hide that I’m subverting democracy at every turn, while you scream, “Lock her up!” You are truly the biggest band of idiots in the history of the world.

You are so stupid that I can pack you into an indoor arena during the worst pandemic we’ve had in 100 years, almost guaranteeing community transmission of COVID to thousands of people, including you. I even had you sign a waiver of liability so that you can’t sue me when you catch it. How dumb can you be?

That’s why I’m announcing that the charade is over. I give up. I can’t think of anything else I can do to test the limits of your stupidity, so I have decided to resign from office. Frankly, I would have done so long ago, but the buffoon I installed as my vice president is so out of touch that we could actually be in worse shape with him. That’s why he’s been renditioned to an unnamed foreign country, where he will be forced to stay in the same room with women who are not his wife. It will be a living hell for him. He deserves it. As a result, Nancy Pelosi will be your new president. Let that sink in for a few moments.

As for you, I can’t let you leave this place and infect all of Oklahoma. That’s why I’ve hired a Mexican construction crew to build a wall around the BOK arena while we’re in it. You may note with irony that the wall was funded with the proceeds of the ticket sales for this event. So the Mexicans built a wall and had you pay for it. You’ll all be staying here until you can demonstrate both your health and your ability to think better than a toddler. Which means, of course, that you should settle in for the long haul.

As for me, I’m selling all of my properties and converting to Islam. As-salamu alaykum!

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Donald Trump on race–in his own words

“Let me start by saying that some of my best friends are racists. There are some very fine racists on both sides, so it’s a tricky subject. But just because you’re a racist doesn’t mean that you’re not a good person.

“I mean, look at all of the famous racists! George Washington (he had slaves!)! Thomas Jefferson (He had slaves too! Different slaves!)! Jefferson Davis! All those Confederate generals we named military bases after! I mean, they must have been pretty special to have military bases named after them! How many slaves have a base named after them? NONE!

“Now I don’t believe in discrimination. I do believe in disinformation, but discrimination, no way! And police brutality, get rid of it! Except if I’m going somewhere, but then don’t use tear gas; use pepper spray–it’s much more effective. Those police officers should be charged with something terrible, but of course there’s qualified immunity, so they’ll probably get off. What can you do? It’s America, am I right?

“Now a lot of people are saying that black lives matter. I believe that ALL LIVES MATTER, even black lives! I mean, I hired Ben Carson to head HUD because he’s a brain surgeon! He’s black, am I right? I hired Amarosa because, you know, she was on The Apprentice, the highest-rated show in the history of television! But her ratings at the White House were, y’know, low, so I told her YOU’RE FIRED. Like that Chaos Mattis, whom I used to call Mad Dog but I had to fire him because he pretended to be smarter than me. He thought he knew about the military because he was a general. Whatever. Exactly.

“Speaking of Mattis, he doesn’t want me invading America to stop these thugs from protesting. He thinks I should just let those weak Democrats run the cities and states. I’m the PRESIDENT so I can tell the military what to do! Look, I just told all those kids at West Point what to do. I didn’t see Chaos Mattis up there, now did I!

“Now I’m going to Tulsa to rally my supporters behind me so that I can win a HISTORIC second term. No one has ever won two terms like me. It’s going to be a landslide. I even moved the date so that no one would remember when we freed the slaves. And maybe no one will remember what happened in Tulsa. Just a coincidence.

“By the way, no one’s going to get the coronavirus at the rally because I had them sign something that said they wouldn’t. Problem solved. MAGA!

Your President,

@realdonaldtrump

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Chip me, Billy!

It has come to my attention that Bill Gates plans to implant a microchip in me under the guise of a vaccine for COVID-19 (as if anyone needed that!). Apparently he wants to know my every move, which may be the most boring object of a conspiracy theory ever. You could replace waterboarding with a detailed chronology of my movements and the terrorists would sing like canaries just to make it stop.

As long as I’m being ‘chipped,’ however, there should be some bennies for me too. Here are a few suggestions:

Contactless payment: Leave the credit card at home with Finger Pay! One digital swipe and the groceries are yours! The third finger option lets you pay with attitude!

Summoning: Where’s the damn remote? Who hid my glasses? What happened to Jimmy Hoffa? With Chippy Finger, make one come-hither gesture and anything will come to you. No more heavy lifting!

Night light: Ever stub your toe on the bed during an early-morning bathroom break? Stub no more when your finger lights up with 70 lumens–anytime and anywhere!

Laser pointer: Can’t get your friends to see something? “See that thing off in the horizon? No, not that thing, the other thing! ” With Laser Finger, there’s no more confusion. Point out any distant landmark with ease! Blind the neighbor’s cat for the hell of it! Make pilots think a bogey has a lock on them! Do laser surgery!

Third eye: Ever pick something off the ground and then lift your head right into the car-door mirror? Want to know if the hottie behind you is checking you out? Ever wonder what your butt looks like in those pants? Use Third Eye to get a 360-degree view and you’ll always know!

While undeniably cool, I’ll submit that my new chip implant probably won’t enable me to do any of these. Oh, and it also won’t exist. However, millions of Americans are apparently bought off that it does, and that the guy who gave us Microsoft Windows–and the most charitable private foundation in history–is behind it. For you folks, here’s my message: Wake up!

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Wake up!

One of my Facebook friends posted an article about Canada’s assault weapons ban, which of course is a good thing for those of us who are not interested in committing mass murder (Sadly, most of the people who ARE interested seem to live just south of Canada).  Directly below it, someone posted this:

Fucking nutter

I clicked on the contributor’s profile and saw this, his/her latest post:

Fucking nutter 2

For the record, I saved these screen captures as “fucking nutter.jpg” and “fucking nutter 2.jpg” so I could easily discern one from the other.

Reading “fucking nutter 2” reminded me of something I’ve seen repeatedly in nutter posts:  “WAKE UP!” Almost every one.  This phrase permeates these fringy posts like the coronavirus at an all-night spitting contest in a phone booth.  Conspiracy theorists of all stripes–righties, lefties, ambidextries–seem to think that we’re all asleep in our Matrix pods and they’re Keanu Reeves, fighting Agent Smith at every turn. All we need to do is WAKE UP and do something about it.

My experience–and your mileage may vary–is that by the time I realize that whatever I’m reading is one big run-on sentence from a graduate of the Unibomber Writing Acadamy, the words “WAKE UP!” almost magically appear in the next line.   It’s as if I should hit myself in the head like the people who could have had a V8, except the thing I’m doing instead of the V8 is reading a bunch of nonsense, and the V8 is something other than V8, because V8 is vile.

Regardless of how hard I try, however, I get sucked into that rathole every once in a while–especially when the nutter theory comes from someone who is normally lucid.  You may not know this, but these people are everywhere.  I’m pretty sure they were planted by aliens during the stone age, but that’s a manifesto for a different day.

In any case, someone could do the world a great service by acting as an editor for cockamamie theory authors: you know, remove some of the ALL CAPS, add an occasional period, comma, or new paragraph; develop a story arc, maybe gin up a protagonist with sexual identity issues–whatever.

We live in a topsy-turvy world, and misinformation abounds.  I guess every once in a while we need to wake up and smell the mishegoss.

 

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An updated modest proposal

My last blog post was so long ago that people were actually fixated on more than one possible way they could die. Ah, the good old days. Isn’t it refreshing that people can now breathe a sigh of relief when they find out that it’s only cancer? Phew! That was a close one.

Now we live in a different world. Every grocery store purchase is an existential dilemma (“Are bananas worth dying for?”). Every human interaction feels like opening an envelope containing a mysterious white powder. My potato chip bag might kill me for an entirely different reason than it used to. Even the most mundane activities are fraught with danger (“Is my doorknob infected?”) . We are overwhelmed by the fear of a pernicious killer with a seemingly insatiable appetite. What do we do?

Image: Demonstrators Protests At Texas State Capitol Against Governor's Stay At Home Order
In fact, responsible leaders in government and business are working diligently with medical professionals to mitigate the spread of this disease, especially by imploring us to flatten the curve through social distancing until a vaccination is ready. But lots of patriots see through this shallow conspiracy to take away their freedom, so they stand in our roundabouts and on statehouse steps, imploring governors to “Liberate Virginia! Liberate Wisconsin! and Liberate Michigan!” They think we’re taking this whole COVID-19 thing way too seriously, and that the cure (literally) is vastly worse than the disease (their loss of money, apparently).

I think it’s time to let them exercise their God-given right to infect each other while protecting those of us who don’t know more than Anthony Fauci. Here’s how:

  1. Gather all the COVID naysayers, move them to Texas, Arizona, Arkansas, Alabama, and Mississippi, and let them exercise their freedom to congregate like clowns in a Volkswagen. Why those states? According to Education Week, they had the worst school systems in 2019, and not so coincidentally, have huge swaths of Trump supporters–so we won’t have to displace too many people.
  2. Move the people in those states who feel differently to other states, where the remaining citizens are all, what’s the word? Sane.
  3. Build a wall and make the freedom-loving germ magnets pay for it. If you want to know how, read “The Art of The Deal.”
  4. Wait until an effective vaccine comes out before allowing the lunatics to leave the asylum.

Now this might seem draconian; your Uncle Rudy is a nice guy even though he thinks “the jury’s still out” on Trump. But every time Uncle Rudy shares a six-pack with his friends on poker night, he’s playing Russian roulette with at least three other people he may infect. So let Rudy play poker in Alabama, where they can willingly assemble a circular firing squad

Circular firing squad

rather than springing one on an unsuspecting shopper at Rudy’s supermarket of choice in his current location.

Once Rudy and/or his brothers in arms start dropping like flies, whoever’s left will probably get the message and stop behaving like idiots, and they’ll flatten what’s left of their curve until there’s a better solution. Eventually, we’ll all reintegrate and get caught up on Alex Jones’ latest conspiracy theories (In the unlikely event that he makes it).

Oh, and while Rudy’s away, maybe we can pass some commonsense gun legislation, reform our healthcare system, and take climate change seriously. Hahahahahaha.

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Fake science about dogs finally exposed. Sad!

You’ve heard the pseudoscience about cats and dogs by so-called scientists who do so-called experiments.  These “scientists” say that cats have like 3 neurons and dogs have 5 billion neurons.  These charlatans are stupid because they’re owned by the dogs, who have a secret dog society that controls all the information about cats.  Now it’s time to set the record straight.angry cat

Cats are vastly smarter than dogs.  I know because I have two cats and one dog, which should be enough evidence for you.  But here are a few other “scientifically” valid reasons:

  1. Cats eat food until they’re full, and then they take a long-ass nap until it’s time to eat again.  Dogs eat food until there’s no food, and then they eat non-food like furniture and shoes.  Dogs have eaten car upholsteries.  Who does that?
  2. Cats are Republicans but they hate Trump, because he is a person.  Dogs are Democrats but would gladly eat biscuits handed to them by someone who was killing endangered species and cutting taxes at the same time.
  3. Cats can jump to seemingly impossible heights, always with the goal of getting near fragile objects that make people nervous.  Then they laugh and laugh in their own inaudible cat language.  Dogs need help making the two-foot climb to the couch.
  4. Cats would rather die in a vat of their own vomit than lick your face.  Dogs think your disgusting face is made of Lucky Charms.dumb dog
  5. Cats make it their life’s work to ignore their own names.  You could put them in that dentist scene from Marathon Man, threaten to remove all of their teeth with no anesthetic until they responded to their name, and they’d tell you to shut your stupid mouth (at least in their heads, as they have no inclination to talk to you).  Dogs hear their names and fall off the couch to serve you, like the subservient imbeciles that they are.
  6. Cats will play with toys until they’re bored, at which time they will ignore the boring toy.  Dogs will play with toys until they faint from exhaustion, at which time they will continue to dream about playing with the toy.
  7. Cats don’t jump in mud and then get their muddy paws all over your clothes.  Guess who does do that?  If you guessed that dogs do, you guessed correctly.
  8. Cats vomit up fur balls, leaves, and grass to help their digestive systems.  Dog vomit your remote control.
  9. You never see a cat jumping to impossible heights to catch a Frisbee.  Why?  Exactly.
  10. Cats don’t eat dog poop, but dogs eat cat poop.

Follow @MindTheGape on Twitter.

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Thanks, S-hole

I’m so happy that the president has normalized the use of the word “shithole,” because this was a pressing need. I’m even happier that the press has been so willing to share the term with the entire country so shamelessly and frequently. It has enriched all of our lives, and especially the lives of our children.

s-hole

Let me give you an example: My ten-year-old son is an excellent speller. In fact, he recently won his class spelling bee and has moved on to the school-wide competition. He knows many words–excruciating, demeaning, racist, and xenophobic, for example–but until recently he had no idea what a shithole was. Now, he’ll be fully prepared to not only spell the word, but also define it as a foreign country where black or Muslim people live. Lessons like this are invaluable.

And there is so much more to learn, like non-Latin terms for genitalia, how to demonstrate the behavior of disabled peopleclever nicknames for all of your friends, the many ways to interpret facts,  stereotyping 101, why white nationalists are people, too, and finally, what you can learn from adult film stars.

And let’s give the press the kudos they deserve, what with the raging debate over whether the president actually said “shithole” or “shithouse,” or the investigation into  how much he really weighs.  Kids, pay attention; you could be a muckraker one day too.

trump

The next word starts with the letter F.

At some point, this news shitstorm will end, but it’s only a matter of time before we can all bear witness to our fearless leader’s next educational pejorative.  Vegas has the f-bomb up next at 2:1 odds, so I hope I’m not jumping the gun by hoping that you have a  great fucking day!

 

 

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I Am a Stable Genius: The Year in Review by Donald J. Trump

I’ve been King of America for a year now (Time flies!), and the love and the winning has been fabulous, hasn’t it?

InaugCrowd

After I beat Crooked Hillary and the voter fraud, I got to put my hand on some book and repeat some words. While I was saying whatever, I looked over at those millions who were brave enough to show up in a blinding snowstorm. Then I made the sun come out and stared at it for, like, FOREVER. #fakescientists #sungod

Nobody has had a First Year like me, except for maybe Jesus, mostly because he wrote the Bible. But I wrote Tax Reform, so all of you can get reformed taxes.

Trump_Jesus

It’s going to be beautiful. Ronald Reagan told me that my Tax Reform was a total winner. Better than his Tax Reform, even. I even got to screw people in states that didn’t vote for me, which isn’t what Jesus would do, but he got crucified. I don’t like people who got crucified. Am I right?

I kicked out millions of illegal criminals from our country so that Americans can get those high-paying jobs at the Seven-Eleven.

7-11 SHI

Are you from storm-ravaged Haiti? YOU’RE DEPORTED! Poverty-stricken El Salvador? DEPORTED! War-torn Sudan? DEPORTED! And two more words for you: MUSLIM BAN! #muslimban. Now we don’t have to worry about some foreigners taking jobs from our home-grown terrorists.

And we did better than ANYONE with natural disasters. Harvey? All better. Irma? No problem. Maria? Whatever. Puerto Rico? Who cares? They’re Mexicans.

PR no power

Floods? Gone. Wildfires? History. Mudslides? Future history. Bomb cyclones? I have two words: Homeland Security. Where did we get the money to pay for all of these cleanups? Easy! Fire all the wasteful #fakescientists who talk about that Climate Change baloney.

Next we’re going to build a wall. Turns out the Mexicans won’t pay for it, but we’re going to save SO MANY JOBS that it won’t matter. After our wall, China will realize their wall isn’t so Great after all, Maybe it’s a Good wall, but ours will be a Great Wall, maybe the Best Wall. #bestwall

Now it’s not all good. There’s still Crooked Hillary (Do you know I beat her by a historical margin in the Electoral College?). And CNN and all the other Fake News #fakenews. And Bill Mueller the Democrat. And Sloppy Steve Bannon. And Losers Jeff Flake and Bob Corker, who came to me begging for money. And the FAILING New York Times and the FAILING Amazon.com Post. Sad! And that book full of lies. I’m going to change the libel laws so I can sue that guy for making me look bad. #suepeople

It’s OK that some losers don’t like me. But they should because I help my friends. Look what I did for my friend Joe Arpaio. They tried to put him in jail for roughing up people who look like Mexicans. What do you think Mexicans look like? You work with me, and I’ll take care of you. Just ask Michael Flynn. Or David Clarke. Or my friend Ben Carson. He’s the best HUD secretary ever, because he’s a brain doctor.

That’s it for now. I’m off to the Trump International Hotel, where the foreigners all like to stay. Conflict of interest? #fakenews Have a great 2018, and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! #maga #trump2020 #roymooreforsenate #grabembythedemocracy

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